“I wish you were just totally helpless, so I can be in complete control”

by Feminist at Sea

About two months ago the artist “Milow” released a new single and it has been slowly rising in the charts in the Netherlands, Belgium, Germany, Austria and Switzerland. It was no doubt intended as a kind of laid-back, summer, love song. However hearing it and seeing the music video has left me feeling incredibly creeped out. Take a look:

I will be going through the the songtext bit by bit and explain why it is so disturbing.

He starts off with this:

I wish you smelled a little funny

Not just funny really bad

We could roam the streets forever

Just like cats but we’d never stray

I sometimes wish you were a mermaid

I could raise you in the tub at home

We could take a swim together

On weekly day trips to the bay

Here the singer is wishing that she, presumably his girlfriend, would smell so bad that no one would interact with her, but him; and that she has no legs so she can’t leave him. He’d be essentially keeping her as a pet.

I wish you were a little bigger

Not just big but really fat

Doors you would no longer fit through

In my bed you would have to stay

I often wish that you had feathers

I’d keep you in a giant cage

All day long I’d sit and watch you

I’d sing for you and that would be okay

The being so fat that she would be unable to leave the house part really disturbs me. It reminds me of feeders, which is a horrifying form of abuse where the abuser (usually a man) literally feeds his victim (usually a woman) and keeps her docile, so that her body loses all it’s strength and she can literally not get out of bed. It is a very physical way of making a woman meek and vulnerable so he is in total control of her.

I don’t think I need to say it, but what person would want to lock someone up in a cage, particular someone he claims to care about. It is a human rights violation to rob someone of their freedom. It’s not even remotely caring or romantic. No one has the right to do this to another person and this is what we’re being sold as “romantic” here.

I wish you were a little slower

Not just slow but paralyzed

Then I could plug you into a socket

So you could never run away

I really wish that you were smaller

Not just small but really really short

So I could put you in my pocket

And carry you around all day

In the last chorus the described abuse gets even several degrees worse. Paralyzed? Really? Why not turn her into a statue, as her life clearly doesn’t matter to you. Also, wanting to turn a woman into a Barbie doll is beyond creepy.

There are a great many things you’ll find in male/mainstream media that is being sold to us as something we women should want for ourselves, that it is romantic and a situation in life you can fantasize about. I, however, don’t know of a single woman who wants to be treated like that by any man. Almost every line of this song is horrendously abusive and would, in many nations, get someone thrown in jail for treating a partner like that.

What is described however, is the ideal woman for many heterosexual men; a woman who can’t take care of herself at all so he can steer her, control her and dominate her. Her personality and humanity just don’t matter, as long as she is there and his personal property to do with as he wishes, she is “the ideal”.

This is hardly the only or worst example of this kind of mainstream thinking, but it is a very obvious one and if you like around you, you can see that this is a recurring theme in western “romance”. Twilight would be another example, and that is sold to teenage girls with little to no experiences with relationships of their own.


18 Comments to ““I wish you were just totally helpless, so I can be in complete control””

  1. That really is a creepy song! It’s true, there are many really abusive things wrapped up and packaged as romance. These are the things that girls are taught to dream about, to desire, to hope for, from day one. It’s sick.

  2. I am so glad that I’m not the only one disturbed by this song: the minute I actually started listening to the lyrics I was asking myself what the announcers were smoking calling this a light-hearted romantic love song. Wishing a woman was completely dependent on you is NOT romantic and it’s NOT love. It’s about men’s desire to be in absolute conrol of women. I think what I was most disturbed by is the line about Milow wanting to lock up his girlfriend in a cage, but, hey, that’s alright, he will sing for you! What the hell? That sounds like: “Yeah, you women must relinquish all your freedom in a relationship but never fear, you get nice trinkets as recompensation!” It’s like in fundamentalist Islam where the woman has a guaranteed right to intercourse (a right many of them probably don’t want to have) as an exchange for her complete dependency on her husband.

  3. And then the man gets the “ideal” docile, helpless woman and then will do nothing but complain about how he has to give her EVERYTHING and why doesn’t she contribute to the relationship and blah blah blah blah. Kinda like how men like to do with trophy wives. There just isn’t a “perfect” women for men because heaven forbid a woman have control over her life but heaven forbid the man have to actually take care of her.

  4. What the hell? Talk about exploding the creep-o-meter. “Hey Babe! I love you but I wish you were easier to control and degrade!”

  5. LOL @ “What the hell?” my sentiments exactly. exactly!

  6. “Explodes the creep o meter” yes.

  7. If she was that small that she would fit into his pocket how would they have..you know, PIV? Which is what this dud(e) really wants.

  8. Seriously disturbing stuff. I wasn’t going to be surprised if the post name turned out being a real lyric. Also was creeped out by how much the bed that she “gets fat” in looks so much like a small child’s bed and suggests infantilizing women and paedophilia as what men really want.

  9. Don’t get het love songs, they all pretty much creep me out. Don’t get what women see in men at all actually.

  10. Run, woman! Run for your life from that mutant!

  11. take this antidote instead:

  12. Another antidote: ( Note – read “lips” as “labia” – get it? )

  13. I used to like the band Weezer and they had a song called “No One Else.” The chorus was, “I want a girl that will laugh for no one else. When I’m away, she puts her makeup on the shelf. When I’m away, she never leaves the house. I want a girl who laughs for no one else.” Why did I like that crap?!

  14. When I first read this post and all the replies, all I could think was “What crap!” But everyone else had said that, so I didn’t have much to add. I’ve been scratching my head to figure out why any young woman would like this song. As you say, Crucial D, what crap! The images in the song are totally unappealing.

    But this morning, thinking it over, I had the following thought: This song appeals to young women because women are made to feel helpless and vulnerable by being considered prey by men all the time. This is the message from a very young age. It is about survival. In the song, two things happen to her after that. First, the woman is put in scenarios that make her even more vulnerable, which is something she fears, anyway. Second, she is then “protected” by the man. It’s the old protection racket but worse. The protection racket where women are supposed to find an individual man to protect them from other men. They can then feel a conditional safety. It’s the kind of trade-off right-wing women make, Dworkin wrote about it, summarized by FCM on her blog for those of us just getting started. For the man in the song, he then gets total control as has been pointed out. Most songs that men write about relationships are misogynist. This one is very openly so.

  15. During the bed scene the dude sort of stretches his neck out, and for a second he looks just like Voldemort. Agree fully about the creepiness of the lyrics, and I’d like to add that the visuals bothered me a lot too. The girlfriend’s adoring gaze, the part where the she is made into a lamp (just be a piece of furniture, would you? Not a person, please. No fair that “my” vagina has a brain attached), and the ending, where she crawls inside him and curls up in his heart. Her identity as a separate being, as a separate object even, is completely erased by the time the song is over.

  16. Ha. I hadn’t even noticed. She also follows him around like a puppy through the song. Rain thanks for those clips. They are so much better. I am gonna see if I can get them somewhere.

    Also this song is currently in the charts, but not as high. Anyone care to venture a guess as to why that is:

  17. And the bridge in that song is weak.


  18. *vomits in the corner* That is DISGUSTING. I’m so so so glad to be a lesbian right now.

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